The Realization That Your Children Are Growing Up :(

How it sneaks up on you...

 

Scenario 1:

 

Once upon a time, the Singapore Singaaran LOVED cuddle time. He would leap into bed as we winced for the impact, and burrow into the sheets between us. Imagine trying to get your bearings quivering, groggy, bleary-eyed, and sloth-like while this <40 lb. ball of energy hurls itself at you...You experience enough and more 'ouch!' moments and are happy to nudge him towards the dear husband who is equally groggy, and possibly snoozing away. No harm in waking him up to do his fatherly duties, right?

 

Now my soon-to-be 8 year old is conscious that - regardless of my performances in their burping (and other, grosser) contests - I am not 'one of the boys'...He is reluctant to let me cuddle him. Now, you WANT the hugs and the cuddle time and to bury your nose in his baby smell...but they look so uncomfortable...that you don't want to demand a hug. It defeats the purpose. You turn away, guilty to have asked for one, and then comes the permission, "OK! OK! you can give me a hug." (sounding tired and doling one out to his needy old Mum)

 

Hopefully, this will not be the reaction 30 years from now. And certainly not on their wedding days! There will be no guilt in demanding hugs, on my part for sure.

 

Scenario 2:

 

Once upon a time, my sons believed that I was a bigger version of them - an overgrown toddler with chubby legs and a round tummy...but with better abilities and sharper skills of course - goes without saying haha (eyes rolled upwards)!. Taking advantage of this wonderful illusion, I could run to and from the bathroom and the closet in various states of undress. My sons didn't bat an eye. It was just the big baby running around.

 

These days, my older son's reaction is to cover his brother's eyes and yell in combat mode, "DON'T LOOK!", while the younger one stares, mouth agape, as if watching an accident in slow-motion. He can't look away...(agreed, my thighs looks like a train wreck right now, but that's not what pains me). In that vague region called your heart, you realize that that these guys - your own flesh and blood literally - are becoming their own little people. The sense of pride running strong with your dismay just bends you over like a punch in the gut while you try standing straight, brave and strong. 

Sometimes, even good things make moms cry.

Moments of Choice - The Pregnant Deer

During my childhood, my Dadima (paternal grandmother) would sing me an old Hindi song from 'Boot Polish' (1954) - "Nanhe munhe bachche, tere mutthi mein kya hai?" (Rougly translated as - "Dear innocent child, what is in your closed fist?")

 

And the answer would be - "Mutthi mein hai takhdeer hamaari!" ("In my fist lies my destiny!"). Well, 'Boot Polish' was made shortly after India's independence from British rule (1947), and is typically full of patriotic fervor. I think we needed to prove to ourselves that we could lead our nation into success against all odds. We didn't lack natural resources but we were denied the tools to harness and build industry with, thanks to our very conservative economic policies. Caste and communal differences were momentarily forgotten in our moment of realization that we could reach for the stars through hard work alone. Well, it was a fervent idealism that ebbed during the 1960s and 70s...till India opened her markets in the late 1990s.

But to come back to our choices and our futures...these words came to mind when I read a story that my sister recently emailed me in her effort to help me view a certain situation calmly. The story is called 'The Pregnant Deer' and it is an illustration of Stochastic Probability theory. Here it is:

 

In a remote forest, a pregnant deer is about to give birth. She finds a remote grass field beside a river and slowly goes there thinking it would be safe. As she moves, she goes into labor….At the same moment, dark clouds gather around that area and lightning sparks a forest fire. Turning left, she sees a hunter who is aiming an arrow from a distance. As she tries to move to her right, she spots a hungry lion approaching her.
 

What can the pregnant deer do ….as she is already suffering labor pain ?
…

What do you think will happen ?
Will the deer survive ?
Will she give birth ?
Will the fawn survive ?
Will everything be burnt by the forest fire ?
…

That particular moment ?
…

Can the deer go left ? – The hunter’s arrow is aimed at her.
Can she go right ? – A hungry lion approaches.
Can she move up ? – A forest fire threatens.
Can she move down ?  – The fierce river offers sure death.

Answer:  She does nothing. She just focuses on giving birth to a new LIFE.

The sequence of events that happens at that fraction of  a second (moment) are as follows:

In a spur of MOMENT  …a bolt of lightning  strikes and blinds the eyes of the hunter. At that MOMENT, he releases the arrow that misses the deer, and eventually hits and injures the lion badly. At that MOMENT, it starts to rain heavily and the forest fire is extinguished. The next MOMENT, the deer gives birth to a healthy fawn.

Similarly, in our lives, we have the power over our MOMENT of CHOICE.

 

According to stochastic probability theory, we may know the situation or variables that exist here and now, but there is no way of determining a fixed future because each variable is itself governed not only by its own choices but by factors out of its control (random probability distributions). Brilliant!

 

This theory attracted great interest during the late 19th century, in order to track and predict the stock market. I think the realization was that one can neither control everything, nor be in total control of the future, nor of other people. The failure of the socialist state is a prime example of this. Also, elaborate plans to deceive, commit fraud, etc., whether at home or in the office have only a certain life span after which they unravel simply because the variables involved increase to such an extent that they cannot all be tracked or manipulated, and the introduction of new variables upsets the distribution of power.

 

Here's what we can control - our feelings, actions/ reactions.

We all have to deal with negative thoughts originating from all directions. Some thoughts are so powerful they overpower us and paralyze us. Let us not decide anything in a hurry. Let us think positive and imagine ourselves as the pregnant deer with the ultimate happy ending.

Anything can happen in a MOMENT in this life. Whether you are religious, superstitious, atheist, agnostic…or whatever else…you can attribute this MOMENT as sublime, divine intervention, faith, sudden luck, chance (serendipity), coincidence… or a simple ‘I don't know’ event. We all feel the same. Whatever one may call it, the priority of the deer in that given moment was to give birth to her little one…. because LIFE IS PRECIOUS.  You and your loved ones are precious and the Higher Power up there who created us knows what is best.

Moral of the story: Keep alive your faith and hope within you always.

Here is a link to the song :): http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SUrIJxCcXnA