I Loved You First

On Valentine's Day...

 

 

Poca favilla gran fiamma seconda. – Dante

Ogni altra cosa, ogni pensier va fore,

E sol ivi con voi rimansi amore. – Petrarca
 

I loved you first: but afterwards your love

Outsoaring mine, sang such a loftier song

As drowned the friendly cooings of my dove.

Which owes the other most? my love was long,

And yours one moment seemed to wax more strong;

I loved and guessed at you, you construed me

And loved me for what might or might not be –

Nay, weights and measures do us both a wrong.

For verily love knows not ‘mine’ or ‘thine;’

With separate ‘I’ and ‘thou’ free love has done,

For one is both and both are one in love:

Rich love knows nought of ‘thine that is not mine;’

Both have the strength and both the length thereof,

Both of us, of the love which makes us one.

 

 

- Christina Rossetti (1830 - 1894)

Santoshah Paramo Laabhah

सन्तोषः परमो लाभः सत्सङ्गः परमा गतिः ।
विचारः परमं ज्ञानं शमो हि परमं सुखम् ॥

Santoshah paramo laabhah satsangah param gatih
vicharah param gnanam kshame parmam sukham


Contentment is the highest gain,
Good Company the highest course,
Enquiry the highest wisdom,
and Peace the highest enjoyment.

My Replies to Comments on 'The Need for Positive Role Models'...

            Hi all.

 

           Last week, I wrote about the present need for both male and female role models. It was definitely interesting to receive some feedback on my thoughts. I decided I wouldn't publish the comments, but would just clarify some points in my piece...

 

Here was one response - "So now we're supposed to cover ourselves completely because you think dressing sexy tempts men? The courts threw out that argument long ago."

 

 

My answer:

 

            No, I don't think women need to wear a tent. I don't equate modesty with being totally covered up. As we know, some South Pacific tribes that live 'au naturel' have NO incidence of rape. So, it really depends on how women are perceived by men, stereotyping, constructs, etc. The question is, what are we doing as parents that makes our children think this way when they grow up?

 

             Rape is prevalent in all cultures where there exists a concept of 'physical shame' (the practice of covering one's private parts). Given that our system values clothes as against going natural, it follows that showing too much skin a la Kim Kardashian will seem tasteless/ obscene. But then again, Kim K. is doing it precisely to shock people and to gain attention...Kim K. has her bodyguards and she's safe most of the time. But what about young girls who want to ape her?

 

             Then, to comment on your words 'dressing sexy' - seriously, do you want to 'dress sexy' all the time? I used to sell insurance in Singapore, and sometimes I've seen agents attend conventions wearing inappropriate clothes. Are you saying sexy is ok anywhere and anytime? I'm ok with sexy, but I don't agree with that statement unless you're in a proper relationship and for the right occasion and time...otherwise, it just sends the wrong idea. Sorry, don't agree. But that's just my old geezer stick-in-the-mud opinion. 

 

              I also didn't mean that it's ok for men to attack women just because they're dressed sexy. Actually, women have been attacked regardless - whether they are old/middle-aged/young adult/child...wearing a sari/ salwar kameez/ mini skirt/ sleeveless/ whatever...going to school/ college/ work/ home/ beach/ club/ wherever. So I totally agree not to blame the clothes. Rape is an act of power and subjugation.

              Again, why do men react this way? What are we teaching our sons that some of them grow up to think it is ok to act this way?

 

Second response (in a nutshell) - "Looking good is bad because it tempts men?"

 

My answer:

 

              Actually, I didn't say that. But since we've begun this topic, let me just continue - I just don't agree with this obsession over looks...I said 'looks', not beauty. Not saying I'm against preening and looking good -  I'm talking about giving and receiving value here, in all relationships.

 

               If you have good looks that have been fortified by make-up (again, nothing against make-up...I use it most of the time), and if you are using looks to get your job done...nope, doesn't cut it for me. I'm sure I'll get some response like - "Wake up! Where have you been? If you are good-looking, it's half the battle won." Yeah, I agree - the battle for sprinters. What will you do for the marathon, the long haul? Again, back to 'value'.

 

               I'll be focussing on people and organizational development/empowerment for my PhD and guess what - this also falls into that bracket. The value inside all of us, the affirmation that starts from the inside...not the other way round. What we're doing in our lives right now with these reality shows, gossip shows, Facebook, and so on, is foisting a false sense of self and self-worth upon ourselves. We want affirmation for every post/picture/friend count. We want to "splurge" because it makes us feel good. Retail therapy, like everything else, is great in small doses.

 

               I think we have whole generations of people who are not ready to grow up...or maybe life is too stressful and so its easier to shop or  to play video games or to live with Mom and Dad forever or Facebook ever damn thing that we do...or whatever (I'll get to the bottom of it soon enough...now that you've got me going!). It will be Deepak Chopra v.2.

 

Third response - "I thought you said bad girls make history".

 

My answer:

 

               Yes, I did and still do.

 

               But 'bad' as in - questioning something that doesn't make sense (which is positive)...not 'bad' as in Madonna doing a book with naked pictures called 'Sex'...or Paris Hilton airing her sex videos as a kind of tantrum with her parents (or whatever the problem was...). Just to clarify - I'm all for the celebration of female sexuality as in Maya Angelou's 'Phenomenal Woman', or as in the poems of Kamala Das - just not the objectification of female sexuality by men.

 

               Virginia Woolf, Rosa Parks, Sappho...were bad because the systems they were protesting against labelled them that way. They weren't making fools of themselves just for some (male) attention. Their actions actually helped women get an education, affirm their civil rights, vote, write, etc. So, I'm really ok with that kind of 'bad'.

 

 

               Ok, so...there were some other replies too, but I kind of addressed most of them in my answers above...It has been fun getting these replies! I know now that my pieces aren't entirely clear, but I'm also thankful that their lack of clarity has generated the response. I hope I've answered your comments suitably.

 

                Thanks for replying. Feel free to bash me anytime :).

No Goodbyes

You know those friends whom you thought of as family
                                                                                         (in an instant)?

Whom you knew
                            (or thought you knew)?

Whom you were protective of
                                                (were inexplicably fond of)?

Whom you cared for
                                  (tender, trusting, loyal)?

You know
                  (just because).


You jump back startled when they grow cold.

You stare down, confused, as they mount their righteousness,

Fingers reaching deeper, boots crushing on,

Misinterpreting your unsureness as proof.

Just like that.

Their words are knives that stab

And never reach the actual mark.

Those friends hurt you the most

For they leave without saying goodbye.

This Empty Street

Do you know that street?

You know, next to those government buildings, red and grey,

Whose blind grimy windows hunched towards that community park.

The state fenced the market and bundled the hawkers off to some glitzy mall.

No one will hear them again, full-throated in the open air,

Nagging, tugging, beseeching, swearing, cursing,

With their thousand tongues

Spiced with the seasons of throngs flooding in from the Square

A billion feathers

There, out there.

Years later I wonder, did you take my steps down that street?

Brush against the cypress, linden, and poplar rows

Where my fingers ran along its eastern wall?

Did you shut your ears against the rioting colors of its tents,

Raise your smile at the rain falling between its roofs, as I had done?

Did your eyes catch its brocaded silks, dance along its smelt daggers,

Glaze over its porcelain?

Did your tongue taste my memory?

Did we pass each other on this street?

The Need for Positive Role Models

                   I’ve always felt strongly about women’s rights because – well, I am a woman, to begin with…(Keep reading, I won't rant.). I suppose I am a feminist, and no, I don't hate men. In fact, I love and appreciate the difference they bring to life in general. I'm married - to a man - and we have 2 wonderful sons.
 

                   Growing up in India, I attended a convent school where girls were taught to have a mind of their own – a dangerous thing (?!). I did my Bachelors and Masters in a convent, again. I have been asked if I were sado-masochistic to have done that (most fled because of the Puritanical atmosphere) – but well, it was the perfect little oasis of Indian Feminism. Why mess with that?

                  Outside my college, I witnessed so much harassment that women faced on roads and buses and in their homes – just women going about their work and minding their own business – so it wasn’t surprising that I preferred the convent and the freedom of the mind within its walls to the rubbish that went on outside. I believed that education and dialogue – oral and written – was the way women were going to be heard and what better way to do that than via being published, holding seminars, workshops, organizing volunteers for women’s causes…? They were little drops that made an ocean. 

                   Back then in the 80s, there was an obvious need for Women's Lib all over the world. Today, the violence against women has not quelled, but the need has shifted. What do we need now? Women have already achieved equal rights, voting rights, rights to do just about anything they wish to. So why are women still at the receiving end?

                   In the United States, ironically, even liberated women still seem to be living in a man’s world…This time, I believe women are equally responsible in having brought this upon themselves. Yes, I – a feminist – do think that.

                   While women in America are not blatantly sexualized in media (as they were before the 1980s), they are still just plain disrespected. What were those words – “No one can disrespect you without your permission…”?

                   Take the very clear definitions of what constitutes ‘cool’ or ‘sexy’ or ‘attractive’ in school and in the workplace. Or young female celebrities for whom the acme of achievement is to appear naked in magazines or to wear tasteless clothes, because they believe they have figured out ‘what men want’ (how easy!). What’s worse, as celebrities, they influence other young women to do the same. And then they crib about not being taken seriously. Was this part of the fight for women's rights?

                    I’m not taking the moral high road here. Just saying plainly that this seems to have triggered a twofold American male reaction to women's lib - either total subservience or plain violent and sadistic. And thanks to globalization, this misogyny is catching on all over the world, at a faster pace than is women’s lib. Which is why, halfway around the world, in the country where I grew up, a group of 6 men thought it would be fun to rape and beat a woman to death in Dec 2012. A very different culture, but the motivation's the same.

                    In the United States, the reason for the current state of affairs goes beyond the reach of radical Anglo-American Feminism. A limited collective memory, perhaps? After all, the victories for human rights are rarely taught in school history classes...Young American women today (the 40 and under crowd) - no matter their race/ community/ religion - seem to have forgotten what their mothers and grandmothers fought for. Are they not reminded about it? Or has material gratification erased that memory?

                     Groupism and female bullying still exists, and it is more vicious thanks to social media (no beef with social media personally). Competition, backstabbing, and clawing ahead is encouraged. Sisterhood is dying out because now, it’s every woman for herself. Women are ready to drop their clothes if it can give them more TV time, save/break relationships, be popular, ‘discover’ themselves (!). They are ready to punish men with equal fervor because they can.  

                     At the receiving end, what do men hear? That they are dispensable. That if they stick with 2 roles – pushover or perpetual teenager – they can deal with women.  

                     What has happened to thinking, feeling, conversation, friendship, trust, loyalty, accountability, responsibility, duty? You know, those things that one appreciates as one grows up. The glue that holds us together. I thought those were the values we were trying to move towards…

                     Maybe it is time to re-assess both male and female roles? By feeling dispensable, men are forgetting what it means to lead by example…Is it because the women have become too bossy? Is it because the boys had media and video games as babysitters, and not active parenting? Is it because they got distracted too soon by ‘relationships’ when they should have been focused on school? Were they too pampered? Were they exposed to violence too soon? Did they watch their moms being abused too often and thought it was normal? Did they think it was ok to hop relationships? Without solid, reliable male role models in the face of dominating women, boys could get confused.

                      I’m not sure what can be done about this – I’m not sure if male role models in the form of boy scout seniors, school mentors, counselors, etc, are the way to go because one reads so much about abuse within all-male networks. What happens when the fathers themselves lower the bar? Or when families are headed by single-moms (as a feminist, I've nothing against single mothers)? Who are the men who can be trusted to step in and provide those 'man-to-man' talks? And what about our daughters? When and how are we going to teach them that women's rights are not about negating men altogether, but to build constructive and positive relationships without having to demean ourselves?

                      Ultimately, it all goes back to parenting. To be devoted to our children, and to teach by example that life is about growing up, accepting responsibility, walking the walk. That it is always difficult, but that is life (hey, it's not a party all the time). To not succumb to constructs about what constitutes 'success'. To know your priorities, grow up, accept life, face it, and to do your best for everyone's best (not just yourself).

                       Well, those are my thoughts, at least...Simply because little drops make an ocean...