The Need for Positive Role Models

                   I’ve always felt strongly about women’s rights because – well, I am a woman, to begin with…(Keep reading, I won't rant.). I suppose I am a feminist, and no, I don't hate men. In fact, I love and appreciate the difference they bring to life in general. I'm married - to a man - and we have 2 wonderful sons.
 

                   Growing up in India, I attended a convent school where girls were taught to have a mind of their own – a dangerous thing (?!). I did my Bachelors and Masters in a convent, again. I have been asked if I were sado-masochistic to have done that (most fled because of the Puritanical atmosphere) – but well, it was the perfect little oasis of Indian Feminism. Why mess with that?

                  Outside my college, I witnessed so much harassment that women faced on roads and buses and in their homes – just women going about their work and minding their own business – so it wasn’t surprising that I preferred the convent and the freedom of the mind within its walls to the rubbish that went on outside. I believed that education and dialogue – oral and written – was the way women were going to be heard and what better way to do that than via being published, holding seminars, workshops, organizing volunteers for women’s causes…? They were little drops that made an ocean. 

                   Back then in the 80s, there was an obvious need for Women's Lib all over the world. Today, the violence against women has not quelled, but the need has shifted. What do we need now? Women have already achieved equal rights, voting rights, rights to do just about anything they wish to. So why are women still at the receiving end?

                   In the United States, ironically, even liberated women still seem to be living in a man’s world…This time, I believe women are equally responsible in having brought this upon themselves. Yes, I – a feminist – do think that.

                   While women in America are not blatantly sexualized in media (as they were before the 1980s), they are still just plain disrespected. What were those words – “No one can disrespect you without your permission…”?

                   Take the very clear definitions of what constitutes ‘cool’ or ‘sexy’ or ‘attractive’ in school and in the workplace. Or young female celebrities for whom the acme of achievement is to appear naked in magazines or to wear tasteless clothes, because they believe they have figured out ‘what men want’ (how easy!). What’s worse, as celebrities, they influence other young women to do the same. And then they crib about not being taken seriously. Was this part of the fight for women's rights?

                    I’m not taking the moral high road here. Just saying plainly that this seems to have triggered a twofold American male reaction to women's lib - either total subservience or plain violent and sadistic. And thanks to globalization, this misogyny is catching on all over the world, at a faster pace than is women’s lib. Which is why, halfway around the world, in the country where I grew up, a group of 6 men thought it would be fun to rape and beat a woman to death in Dec 2012. A very different culture, but the motivation's the same.

                    In the United States, the reason for the current state of affairs goes beyond the reach of radical Anglo-American Feminism. A limited collective memory, perhaps? After all, the victories for human rights are rarely taught in school history classes...Young American women today (the 40 and under crowd) - no matter their race/ community/ religion - seem to have forgotten what their mothers and grandmothers fought for. Are they not reminded about it? Or has material gratification erased that memory?

                     Groupism and female bullying still exists, and it is more vicious thanks to social media (no beef with social media personally). Competition, backstabbing, and clawing ahead is encouraged. Sisterhood is dying out because now, it’s every woman for herself. Women are ready to drop their clothes if it can give them more TV time, save/break relationships, be popular, ‘discover’ themselves (!). They are ready to punish men with equal fervor because they can.  

                     At the receiving end, what do men hear? That they are dispensable. That if they stick with 2 roles – pushover or perpetual teenager – they can deal with women.  

                     What has happened to thinking, feeling, conversation, friendship, trust, loyalty, accountability, responsibility, duty? You know, those things that one appreciates as one grows up. The glue that holds us together. I thought those were the values we were trying to move towards…

                     Maybe it is time to re-assess both male and female roles? By feeling dispensable, men are forgetting what it means to lead by example…Is it because the women have become too bossy? Is it because the boys had media and video games as babysitters, and not active parenting? Is it because they got distracted too soon by ‘relationships’ when they should have been focused on school? Were they too pampered? Were they exposed to violence too soon? Did they watch their moms being abused too often and thought it was normal? Did they think it was ok to hop relationships? Without solid, reliable male role models in the face of dominating women, boys could get confused.

                      I’m not sure what can be done about this – I’m not sure if male role models in the form of boy scout seniors, school mentors, counselors, etc, are the way to go because one reads so much about abuse within all-male networks. What happens when the fathers themselves lower the bar? Or when families are headed by single-moms (as a feminist, I've nothing against single mothers)? Who are the men who can be trusted to step in and provide those 'man-to-man' talks? And what about our daughters? When and how are we going to teach them that women's rights are not about negating men altogether, but to build constructive and positive relationships without having to demean ourselves?

                      Ultimately, it all goes back to parenting. To be devoted to our children, and to teach by example that life is about growing up, accepting responsibility, walking the walk. That it is always difficult, but that is life (hey, it's not a party all the time). To not succumb to constructs about what constitutes 'success'. To know your priorities, grow up, accept life, face it, and to do your best for everyone's best (not just yourself).

                       Well, those are my thoughts, at least...Simply because little drops make an ocean...